Married life sans sex
Posted By SEX on August 30, 2010
One of my most intimate friends, Christopher, had been depressed for the past several months. Suddenly, it seemed that we had grown apart and she was no longer the person I knew. It was surprising that at an age when people had matured, Christopher was undergoing a change. A cheerful, chirpy Christopher, who had been an eager participant in everything at home and office, became increasingly aloof, sad, dejected and lethargic.
To my knowledge there was no visible cause for such a drastic change. Not only that, she cleverly evaded all my queries in this regard. Her standard reply to all my queries were that there are some problems which cannot be spoken of. But I was not ready to bow out.
Eventually Christopher shared her problem with me but it was, to me, a bolt from the blue. Somewhat hesitatingly, Christopher told me that in spite of living with her husband under the same roof, for the past one year there had been no sexual contact between them. Outwardly, everything is normal. There are no quarrels between them, neither does her husband have any extramarital affairs. Only her husband has become sexually unresponsive. He openly concedes that now he doesn't have an interest in sex. These words, coming from a husband of 45 years of age, hurt the womanhood of his 41 year old wife.
At times, Christopher felt insulted. Or, at other times, she suspected her husband of having an extramarital affair. Since there were 2 grown-up children in the house, it was not possible for them to openly discuss the problem. She could not even express her anger towards her husband, as otherwise he took good care of her.
She was sure that her husband had no traumatic experience which could be responsible for this. In general, a wife is too coy to initiate a sexual intercourse. She also fears that if her advances are repudiated, she will feel ashamed and insulted.
Being used to sleeping under the warm caress of her husband for the past several years, it was difficult for her to sleep alone now. Throughout the night she would be changing sides in a futile attempt to get a few hours of sleep, whereas on the other side of the bed, her husband would be enjoying a deep sleep. He, perhaps, understood her restlessness, and began sleeping in the adjoining room.
On the other hand, Christopher would spend her nights recalling either the past romantic moments, or the romantic scenes of some movies. The more she tried to take her mind off these matters, the more she got entangled in it. All these had an adverse effect on her lifestyle, behaviour and her work efficiency.
In spite of her best efforts, she couldn't laugh heartily. She had developed an inferiority complex. She felt lacking in some respect or the other. Sometimes, she felt that her husband lacked virility. But she couldn't share her sorry plight with anyone. She was just wearing out in silence.
Many people, apart from Christopher, experience a similar problem. But it remains buried within themselves only. If a husband shows such disinterest in a sexual relationship at the beginning of the marriage, a wife could take extreme steps. One can ignore neither the necessity nor the inevitability of sex in a married life. But if the husband becomes disinclined in having sex a few years after the marriage, it becomes a tormenting problem for the wife and the married life of the couple gets adversely affected.
A good number of letters addressed to the personal columns of various magazines are from those women who owing to the disinterest in sex shown by their husbands, establish extramarital relations, and are now paying the price for it. They want a way out of the difficulties, dilemmas, guilt and traumas, resulting from these extramarital affairs.
The psychological analysis of such behavioural changes in husbands shows that in most cases the husbands harbour a feeling of hostility, malice, sorrow, distress or anger towards their wives in their subconscious mind. Such feelings have deep roots in the past, where the husband has had some bitter experiences with his wife, and these were never discussed openly.
Some men also experience such behavioural changes due to a lingering suspicion about growing old. Some men, who do not derive any pleasure and satisfaction during sex owing to the temporary phases of illnesses or stress, consider this to be a sign of their weakness, and then try and avoid sex altogether.
NEGATIVE FACTORS
A husband who has a relationship outside of marriage, or who has regular brawls with his wife, becomes disinclined to have sex with his wife. Some men who are totally devoted to their careers or who have a desire to earn a huge amount of money, may be too tired to have regular sex with their wives.
Since they are in a hurry, they do not experience the full joy of a sexual encounter and, as a result, they become reluctant to have sex. They become totally devoted to their aim of earning money. The only responsibility they have for their wives is to create wealth for them. Then, there are some men who detest having sex due to a traumatic experience or mental shock.
If a wife becomes uninterested in sex, the husband can establish relationships elsewhere. The rules and norms of society are not as stringent for men as they are for women. A man may be criticised for having extramarital affairs, but a woman in a similar situation may be socially boycotted.
A woman who indulges in sex outside of marriage to solve one problem of sexual satisfaction soon finds herself mired in several more complex problems. For a woman who has to look after her husband and children, having an extramarital affair is not just immoral but also difficult.
Comments